I ended up flying to Palm Springs, California at 19 years old on a one-way ticket. I moved in with some other prostitutes because, when you’re young, sometimes it’s easier than going to a clock in clock out kind of place. That’s what worked for me then. A lot of it was just the lifestyle of being 19, gay and partying.
When you’re there to pick up a paycheck, you’ll pretty much do whatever is asked of you. I was not really using protection when I was having sex. At the time I had no idea what HIV was. You get a little bit of education in school about wearing a condom, but I was naive and there’s a culture within MSM (men who have sex with men) of not using protection. When you add drugs on top of it, you lose your morals and inhibitions.
It was 2 weeks before my 21st birthday, and I just knew to get tested. I had contracted gonorrhea for the first time and heard people talking about their status. I flew back to my hometown, and my mom took me to a women’s center to get tested for HIV. The test came back positive.
For a long time after finding out I was HIV positive, I felt like nobody was going to love me. There was also a lot of frustration dealing with new doctors. I was like a lost little puppy being in a rural area where you had to travel to a clinic, and only see the doctor once every few months. I had no clue what was going on. There was a lot of loneliness and fear of judgment around disclosing my status, even with my family members. We were afraid to tell my cousins.
The human part of me wants the connection of somebody, but it’s also very scary. I am so afraid to let my guard down when it comes to emotions and connections with people because it took me a long time to get to a point where I can value myself and my worth. Recently, I made a great friend, and we were at Poverello one day. He asked me how I qualified for a service. I talked to him about Ryan White, and he disclosed that he is living with HIV too. I’m at a point where I’m ok to communicate it to someone, but there’s still so much stigma. If I can make a personal connection with somebody it’s worth the risk of putting it out there. It’s worth it for the community and helping other folks learn about resources that are available. There are more people out there that are willing to support you than tear you down.
