Still Going To Love You

Sometime between July of 2020 to July of 2021, I contracted HIV. I had a motorcycle accident where I crashed the motorcycle and went to the hospital from the scene. They did bloodwork and they called me 3 days later and told me I had HIV. I was out for a ride on the bike when they told me, and I tried to kill myself while on the bike right after that news. It was very devastating.

I was in a faithful relationship for 6-7 months at the time. She was negative, and I was positive, so I got HIV sometime before I met her, I believe. I was unconscious so many times while getting high, so my spirit tells me something was done to me while I was high, and I don't remember.

It was weird because in my mind it was like, “how did I catch it, and she didn’t have it?” When you’re high for 5 to 15 days straight and no sleep, with being legally blind, you get delusional. I know there were certain times in my addiction, without my contacts or glasses, where I couldn't tell the difference between people.

I abstained from having sex for a while after I found out I was HIV positive. That was very very hard because through my addiction, I became very sexually addicted. Sex and drugs went hand in hand. I would use that I have HIV, as a reason off the gate, for them to stop trying. I didn’t want to build a relationship with you because I didn't want to get right to that point and then have to tell you. I isolated myself. Most of the time they rejected me. Nobody really knows that you can’t pass the virus if you’re on your medication and are undetectable. I would try to reject them too, to protect myself. I know it’s by law you have to tell them in the state of Florida. Even if you’re on your medications and are undetectable, by law, if they can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you chose not to disclose, you can get charged. Being in recovery, you meet so many people that know about it or have it, and it doesn’t matter. Then I started telling everyone.

I have been sober for 4 or 5 months. I’m staying at an inpatient facility. What led to me coming back to this agency for a third time, is the love that they have for you. They are going to love you, give you therapy, feed you and, when you keep messing up, they’re still going to love you. After I found out I had HIV, I only went for a month more of getting high and then I went to inpatient treatment for the first time.

I’ve only been having sex with one person recently. They are also HIV positive. It’s never been with a condom. I’ve been tested for STIs twice since being at this inpatient facility. In the future, it doesn’t even matter when it comes to the status, I prefer someone who has HIV or understands that I can’t pass it because I'm undetectable. In the future, I plan on not using condoms but only with a partner that knows my status.